It's Okay.

Today is one of those days where I can recognise my weakness showing through. My stomach is nervous, my mind is running a million miles an hour, and my hands shake. It's days like this that I find it hard to focus on my fitness and eating because my mind is telling me I am not okay and that I do not like what I look like, but shouldn't this be more incentive to train instead of sitting on the couch eating ice-cream. You would think would you?! 

For some reason this week I feel insignificant. I want to prove myself wrong. I want to belong. I want to be loved. I want to bring a light into someones life. I want to be seen as unique, as important and as the one thing someone is missing. You may say your dreaming and maybe I am but one day I know I will feel like I have achieved all this but until then its myself I am working on. You can't expect anyone else to live for you and despite my moments of feeling down the most important thing is that when I'm okay I live and I live for myself because no one else will do that for me. 

Here's an example of how my mind runs away during these times. Do you ever wonder what people think of you when they meet you? Do you ever wonder what your first impression on the people around you is? I do, all the time. I just hope that I come across the way I want to, as a unique individual who has a lot to offer the world. 

The hardest part about this mind games I play with myself is that no matter how self conscious i feel it is the only thing that makes me feel better and be able to push through to the next day, and a fresh morning. 

So here I am eating ice cream and watching my all time favourite movie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. The first time I read this book I fell in love. It helped me through a very tough time and showed me that it is okay to struggle and to feel like you don't belong. It is okay because one day you will find friends who understand you and can pick you up when you are down. It is okay because everyone falls sometimes. The important thing is that you get back up! As the book says, you may feel down or the odd one out sometimes but when you finally feel like you belong everything will be okay and you will be infinite. 

That Inner Struggle.

I hate those days when you have that ache inside of you that no matter what you try it just won't go away. Its one of those days you just want to stay rugged up in bed and hide away from the world. I think I've finally realised what I have to do though. I think I'm going to have to face my fears and say what I'm feeling. I mean it could mean I'm worse off for a while but I'm hoping it will mean I'm better off in the end. But its getting outside my comfort zone that scares me. I mean will it worth it after?